


Too Late

by lyriumandbiotics



Category: Mass Effect, Mass Effect 2 - Fandom, Mass Effect 3 - Fandom
Genre: F/M, Grief, Unrequited Love, confession of love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-27
Updated: 2015-05-27
Packaged: 2018-04-01 11:17:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4017733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lyriumandbiotics/pseuds/lyriumandbiotics
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What I think Shepard should have said to Kaidan during their Citadel "date".</p>
            </blockquote>





	Too Late

Kaidan chewed his bottom lip as he looked out over the Presidium. The waiter came over and handed him a menu. He checked his watch.

_Relax, she’ll be here. You’re early, and she’s never on time._

He flipped through the menu without looking at it, sipped his water, and checked his watch again. Shepard wouldn’t stand him up. Would she? The waiter brought him a beer he didn’t remember ordering, and asked if he wanted to start with an appetizer. Kaidan shook his head, but then changed his mind and ordered nachos. Shepard loved nachos, he remembered. He checked his watch. It was now three minutes past the time they were to meet. He drummed his fingers against the table. Maybe there was an emergency that required her attention. Kaidan knew there were a dozen people she was meeting that day, maybe she got caught up with one of them and forgot about him.

The butterflies in his stomach turned into bats as five minutes turned into ten, then twenty, then thirty. Kaidan was about to tell the waiter just to bring him the bill when he saw her out of the corner of his eye. She was walking towards the restaurant, wearing her usual shore leave outfit – a black N7 sweatshirt and black fatigues. Her sandy blonde hair was pulled back into a messy bun on the top of her head. Kaidan remembered how much she hated her hair, she always said if she could get away with it she’d shave it off. Kaidan smiled at her and waved her over.

“Sorry I’m late,” she said as she sat across from him. Without hesitation, she reached for the plate of nachos and began munching on them.

“It’s okay,” Kaidan said. He handed her the menu and took a sip of water. “I only just got here myself. I’m surprised they can still get supplies for a menu like this.”

Shepard blew out a sharp breath, “Maybe it’s better if we don’t ask how. Or where. What are you drinking?”

“Shot of whiskey and a good old Canadian lager. Think they have it?”

“More like batarian shardwine,” she said. The waiter wandered over to them. Despite his nauseating nerves, Kaidan ordered himself a steak sandwich and the best sounding beer on the menu. Shepard copied his order and handed the waiter her menu. She returned to the plate of nachos. Kaidan watched with amusement as she scooped up as much toppings as one chip could possibly hold.

“I haven’t had nachos since the last time you and I went to dinner on Earth,” she said between mouthfuls. “They’re practically a rare delicacy these days. Sometimes they skimp on the toppings.”

Kaidan smiled at her, “I’m glad I could get you to sit down for half a second and do this with me. I could use a sanity check.”

Shepard nodded, “things have been pretty crazy.”

“You know, my life flashed before my eyes on Mars, and there weren’t enough moments like this, with the people I care about.” He paused, “You and I, we – had some good times, didn’t we?”

Shepard’s eyes flicked up to meet his, her hand holding a chip laden with cheese halfway to her mouth. She looked a little lost for words. “Yes, we did,” she said finally. She dropped the hand that was holding her chip and took a sip of her drink. “What’s on your mind? How are you feeling these days?”

“Good,” he lied, “I feel ready for whatever the Reapers throw at us. I feel confident, I feel good about our chances.”

“Yeah?” Shepard asked, as if she didn’t believe him.

“Yeah, it helps me sleep better at night.”

“You’re not sleeping, Kaidan?”

Kaidan shrugged, “maybe a little restless. But, the Reapers aren’t the only thing keeping me up at night,” he took a breath, “I wonder about us.”

“Us?”

“Look, I understand why you cheated-”

“Do you?” she interrupted.

Kaidan hadn’t been expecting that. He looked at her, stunned. Shepard was staring at him, her green eyes locked on his face. Kaidan noticed dark circles under her eyes that she tried so hard to cover, and the small creases that were forming in the corners. “Do I - do I what?” he stammered.

“Do you understand why I cheated?”

“Shepard, I said some terrible things on Horizon -”

Shepard shook her head, “It’s not about that. Well, not completely.” She sighed, “I died, Kaidan. Did you forget that?”

“What? Are you serious? How could I forget - how can you ask me that?”

Shepard looked at him with narrowed eyes, “Well, you never once asked me if I was okay.”

Kaidan stared at her, “That’s not…yes, I did…”

Shepard shook her head, which caused a few strands of hair to fall into her eyes. She tucked her bangs behind her ear, annoyed. “No, you didn’t. I died, and I ended up in a Cerberus lab for two years while they did god knows what to me. I woke up in a lab, alone and confused. I had no idea how much time had passed, had no idea what had happened to me, and you weren’t there.”

“That’s not fair,” Kaidan retorted, his tone a little sharper than he meant it to be, “How was I supposed to know what Cerberus was doing?”

“You weren’t, I know that, but I was still alone. All the old crew were gone. I had nobody. Did you ever once think how that affected me?” Shepard paused, dropped her eyes, “I was terrified, Kaidan. Miranda told me I was the same, that they didn’t change anything about me. I didn’t feel the same, though. People expected me to just keep fighting, but I didn’t know how. I had to, though. Like always.”

 “I thought about you every single day. I wanted to hear your voice, and just let myself be in your arms forever until this goddamn war went away. I wanted to contact you, but what was I supposed to say? How could I just force myself back into your life uninvited?” Her emerald green eyes met his, but she looked away again before she continued, “Then I saw you on Horizon and I felt - I don’t know. I felt happy, relieved. There was a brief moment when you hugged me that I thought - I thought that we could just go back to normal, be us again. But you were so angry with me, and you made it painfully clear that you were done with me. Even in the message you sent me afterwards – you made it a point to tell me how you felt, and how you were dealing with things, but never once did you wonder how I felt. You even told me you had a date with a doctor.”

Kaidan cringed. He had regretted that as soon as he’d sent it, “I know, I-”

Shepard held her hand up to silence him, “I’m not done.”

Kaidan closed his mouth and nodded for her to continue.

“I had to pretend that I was okay, that you didn’t hurt me. I had to put on this show for everyone, make them think I was in control, but I wasn’t. Not at all.”

“Then we went into the Collector base, and where you, then? I was alone, facing certain death. Again. I confided in Garrus because I needed someone to talk to before I went crazy. Garrus trusted me and believed in me; Garrus listened to me without judgment or anger. Garrus made me feel confident and loved. He made me want to live again, Kaidan, because you weren’t there.”

After she finished speaking, Kaidan sat there, stunned. His mind was racing, trying to come up with a coherent response. What was he supposed to say to that?

_She’s right._

Kaidan had spent two years mourning Shepard’s death, furious with her for making him evacuate; sick with guilt for surviving. Then, after a brief moment of relief on Horizon, he wasted months feeling angry, hurt and betrayed. On Mars, he let his anger get the best of him and compared her to a husk. In the hospital, she forgave him for everything, and again he doubted her during the Citadel attack. Still, after all that, all the terrible things he’d said, she welcomed him back onto the Normandy.

_And you never asked if she was okay._

The realization hit Kaidan like a ton of bricks. He had acted selfishly, only worried about himself. Garrus had seen her and believed her immediately, while Kaidan had doubted her time and time again. He lifted his eyes to her, trying to read her expression, but it was no use. He couldn’t tell if she was angry, or upset, or just tired.

“Shepard,” he said finally, his voice no more than a whisper. “I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry.”

“Thank you, but it’s too late for that,” she said.

“Too late for what?”

Shepard sighed, “Too late for apologies, Kaidan. It’s been a long time since…us. A lot has happened. Everything is different now. We’re both different.”

“Well, yes. But I still want to be with you,” he reached over and took one of her hands. Shepard stiffened at his touch, but didn’t pull away. “I still love you, I never stopped. I know everything has changed, but I want you. I want to hold you like I used to, and make everything okay for you. I am willing to try and work through whatever issues we have, and make it better this time,” he sighed and looked directly into her eyes. “That’s what I want. What do you want?”

Shepard pulled her hand away from his, and Kaidan felt his heart jump into his throat. She wasn’t looking at him as she shook her head, “I’m sorry, Kaidan. I can’t. Everything is just too complicated.”

“It doesn’t have to be,” Kaidan struggled to keep his voice steady. “We can just be us. It can go back to the way it was before. When it’s me and you, it doesn’t have to be complicated. I love you, Shepard, and if you love me that’s all I need to know.”

Shepard stared at her hands, “are you going to make me say it?”

“Say what?” Kaidan wished she’d look at him.

Shepard didn’t respond for several long, torturous seconds. He dug his fingernails in his hand as a distraction from what felt like his heart trying to escape from his ribs. Finally, Shepard sighed and lifted her head. Her eyes were dry, but he could see the muscles in her throat constricting as she spoke, “I don’t love you. You are always welcome aboard the Normandy, but we can’t be together like that.”

She moved to stand, but Kaidan grabbed her arm.

“Shepard,” emotion choked his voice back. He swallowed hard, and tried again. “Please, just -”

Shepard pulled away and stood up, “tell them to charge the meal to the Normandy.” Kaidan sat there, silent, as she gathered her things.

_Say something, make her stay. Say anything to make her understand._

But no words came to mind. Just before she turned to leave, Shepard leaned over and touched his shoulder with her fingertips, “I’m sorry, Kaidan.” Then she turned and almost sprinted away.

Kaidan stared after her, eyes burning as she disappeared around the corner.


End file.
